New project...

Daydream and Expectation

I already don't know the person well enough. Why am I imagining things about how they would be, which would prevent me from truly knowing them later? Besides, the best things are the things kept to surprise. There are coincidences existed between two people, because love is driven by fate. It's weird to say it but a deep human connection is magical like that. Two strangers can become one. That's what I always have faith in and this thought can always excite me for tomorrow.

And it begins

So I've been talking a lot about paying more attention to get to know myself better and improve myself. This will be the first step and I hope it will be a giant leap for me. First off, I want to start with my fitness. Lately in this term, I was hitting the gym a lot more than the last, mainly to destress and now the routine is definitely growing onto me, which is terrific. I'm doing this for health and strength reason. I want to push my endurance and rev up my speed. You know, "run like the wind". I had a big self conscious issue before and if I was the weight then that I am today, I think I'd probably kill myself of depression. Yes, it's true. And official. I had now gained the freshman fifteen. It is s a bit sad since I lost so much weight in the beginning of the school year and now I'm all the way up to 115 pounds. No wonder my stomach always feels full and bloated. I am definitely not used to this weight so it's not surprising that I've been so motivated to run days before I knew I hit such a number. In my mind, this is obesity. And there are many reasons and ways that I've taken to get this far. It's the mindless eating. Treating my temptation because I was strained by life. Showing off my ability to eat a lot despite being small. Drinking late. Very late. Having too much fun that it reflects in my belly. I definitely feel stronger though with all this extra calories. But it's time to burn it off. There are no goals.  I just want to record my day to day activities to keep myself on track and aware of what I'm doing. For example, despite trying to save and being full from brown rice, I bought myself a swirl mocha cake that I can't even finish. I just ate for the emotion that the taste of the food stimulates. Nothing more. But I don't live to eat, I eat to live. I can't let my emotions take over my actions and food defines how I feel. I'm stronger than this, more disciplined than this. This could be worse but since I'm already here, I might as well forgive myself and take a step back slowly so I can renew myself for the better and for a long term. Really no need to be sad. This just gives me the opportunity to prove to myself that I am set up for success for the goals that I truly aspire. That is all.


 First healthy habit number 1, sleeping early. Like at 1AM.

Aware

My mind's been off somewhere lately. I'm forgetting things, floating in my own world, and ignoring the uncertainty and danger around me. Yeah I really need to focus on myself right now, starting with being aware of my actions and my surroundings. I can't be too confident that bad things don't happen by the cause of others or my own stupidity. But at the same time, I shouldn't judge myself too harshly and strain myself. Let loose but be smart. Find a good balance in feeling comfortable with myself and where I am and being cautious. I have to look out for myself now that I am on my own. I am sure the mistakes I make are meant for learning but that is if I actually learned and change what is flawed.

The basic ways I can improve myself are through my focus in school and my fitness. But beyond that, I need to fix my attitude towards my family and keep a wise distance from the groups of friends and acquaintances that I drifted through day by day. After all, these people don't know what's best for me and are certainly not looking out for the best of me like my family does. Furthermore, I need to continue to uphold my responsibilities and stay on top of everything that is important for me. Now in saying all these goals, I must seem like a very uptight person, and the fact is I am. But I think it's only by my nature to find discipline in the things that matter to me. Otherwise, I am usually quite spontaneous and opened up for the excitement that life brings.

Ok. Back to studying for this calculus midterm tomorrow. I haven't actually started studying yet and it's already twenty until eleven. For some reasons, I am not stressed at all. But then again, it might be the overconfidence in me that is hindering my potential success. With that said, till another day.

Internalizing

A good friend told me that I need to invest in learning about myself more before looking for someone to be with. Good friends come with good advice.

But with human nature to look for love, I don't think it's possible for me to completely ignore the potentials around me. Teehee :P

Mixed feelings

He's with someone. I guess a part of me should feel happy that I'm freed from all these thoughts that distressed me before. But it's a bit sad. I was gathering the courage to pursue something for once. And it's called off by a moment of realization.

Actually, change this mixed feelings to the decline towards sadness. I'm disappointed in my luck. And right before Valentine's day and right after I start getting in touch with my romantic feelings that I never had for such a long time. Everything blows over just so quickly. I wish I can click unfriend and erase any interaction I had. And it's no one's fault except for mine because I let my feelings acclimate quickly because it was a good feeling to like someone. Why is this so hard? I thought this is supposed to be easy in college. I really thought I would have someone next to me right now. I don't want to wish anything bad coming upon them though I know a little voice is assuring me that what they have is long distance. Isn't that horrible? If it just comes down to me wanting to be with him, then I'm not mature enough to be with anyone. I wouldn't want unhappiness on the person I like just so it can give me what I want. And how long do I know the person? Barely a week if you add up all the times we've been together. It's not worth it to be sad. It's just this disappointment. It'll go away in a few days. As for now, I should just start studying. Or something.

No exciting days

I should just start burying myself under the books and strutting through a packed schedule to keep my mind off this distracting thing. And yet, here I am writing about it. I don't want to make my blog a space of obsession, but at the same time, I should be able to do whatever I want right? Shit. Midterms are coming up. I shouldn't be distracted. As sad as this sounds, but at least I go to class now because he goes to class. This is indeed very sad. I should start doing my math homework by now. I have 40 minutes to finish it before going to chem lecture. I'll probably be back later. I rather have my thoughts transferred in concrete words than floating endlessly in my head. This is a way to keep my mind on sanity.