busy

i don't think i remember the last time i feel so overwhelmed by all these exams before. i guess i've been having a fun time in college that i lost sight of the hard work i need to put in to extract good results. but at least, i've been on top of it today. so much that going on facebook makes me sick. the time feels wasted and pointless. i promise i will put more insightful posts soon, especially on my sudden renewal of my dreams and ambitions for the future. it's probably because a friend of mine has just received an acceptance from my dream school UCSF. it made me realize how i need to take myself and the time i spend more seriously, that college is indeed a solemn business that makes me a good investment for the future. in addition, i feel like i personally need the academic achievement and passion in order to feel driven and meaningful in life. overall, i am quite a goal-oriented person, and i need to keep it going because this trait is what has been keeping on top of myself so far.

dislike

i feel as though the people who dislike me are the ones who are especially fake. the ones that suck up on others so much that everyone loves them or seeks approval from them. i think it's because i don't like to please people in general and thus far have only shown this youthful and innocent side of me that attracts a lot of people and puts them in the comfort zone. i keep feeling this envy towards me, and honestly, i am trying to be completely humble right now. i personally see nothing to be jealous of but people are hard to read. they see certain things about you that you don't see yourself. if they are jealous, i'm flattered. if they're just being haters, i can't help it. when i know someone is not giving me a chance, i really don't bother. the only people i please are those in my immediate family.

awkwardness

in my whole life, i don't think i ever experienced something more awkward than sleeping next to a couple. urgh. it still bothers me that i didn't have the balls to kick them out of my room. i'm way too nice to people that don't deserve it. but anyway, at least i had a really good time with people i enjoy the company with because of avoiding this whole roommate situation.

talking

I really thought college was drama free. Everyone is mature enough to handle their shit and straighten things out in a direct and respectable way. But ever since I joined this fraternity, I've been hearing scrutinizing and gossiping and immature judgment of others that I am thoroughly disappointed. People keep hearing bits and pieces of information and before you know it, they act like they really know what's going on and spread inaccuracies around like a fucking tumor. My goal in life is to maintain harmony within myself and others, but it's hard to do so in an environment where adults don't act like adults and I don't want to have to treat them like children. I was enthusiastic before but I think I am going to slowly remove myself now, but of course, right after I explain my case to people I need to explain to. Basically, I will just have less interaction and show a more mature and composed side of me that people would take me more seriously. Sometimes I feel like a joke that people can just assume anything from me, especially how some think that I'm using my "cuteness" to take advantage of them through little favors. In the very least, I have my good group of friends and I really shouldn't care for those who wouldn't give me a second chance. I decided that it's best to just clarify some things but I don't have to please anyone that I don't need to please. That's my rant for the morning.

Mind Wars

In this modern society, our source of entertainment has become a unique (and addicting) specimen. And yes, I am talking about the world of Internet. For nearly four years in high school, I've been out of the loop. I deactivated Facebook and I never made a Tumblr or Reddit or 4chan account. It just seems unnecessary. And it still is. However, with college and expanded social network, I was coerced to make in order to stay in contact with friends and establish new ones. Now, everyday I would be literally chained to Facebook to check up news prevalent to my social circle (or simply stalking for the sakes of curiosity) or communicate with others regarding gossip and academic matters. I would be lying if I say Facebook is anyway an efficient or beneficial use of time. In fact, it has become so damaging that I have to struggle to get my mind off this cyber world in order to get productivity going. I haven't done well in school as I want to because there's always a distraction to my concentration. There are consistently moments where I know I'm numbingly scrolling down the page, and yet I still continue. My mind felt fogged by the miscellaneous information that came to me so quickly and so much that my thinking becomes shortsighted. I feel like my active thinking and reasoning are replaced by the useless processing of what was on my newsfeed that day. And now that I have Tumblr, my mind is even more cluttered by the visual appeal of the reblogs and the interest in gaining followers and showcasing interesting posts. Though I know that there are some good use in the blog, such as how I can learn new information that is constantly and massively produced in this modern world, I've been doing it for the wrong reasons. I need a break from all of the notifications, from all the messaging, and reblogging. Which is why I wrote this much down right now. It makes me feel human again when I can actively use my brain to produce something rather than letting others do the job and hunting their ideas down for reblogs. Tonight, I'm forcing my mind to be analytical about myself and the world. This reminds me think of the theme in Mishima Yukio's work about the samurai disdain for the idleness of peaceful time. I've been used to this luxury, this fascinating and exhilarating luxury that is the Internet, that I've been forgetting what I can be capable of.

I need concrete goals. From now on, two hours of Facebook and Tumblr max a day. And I need to keep track and stay disciplined. Instead of taking a "short break" online, I should start reading the variety of books offered at the library that is nearly a 15 minutes walk from my dorm. I can be learning more and become so much more sophisticated and cultured through two hundred pages than scrolling down a million posts and status updates.

I caved

I made a tumblr. I've been distracted because of it too. For some reasons, blogspot just doesn't suck you in but at least I can be more private on here. Not a lot of people have seen this page and I think I disclosed myself more on here. I practice writing articles, I pour out my most freed thoughts because I got no one to judge but myself. As for tumblr, I guess it's just an outlet for my visual satisfaction and a way to introduce myself to those who don't know me before. Follow me. Or not. Whatever. Who's reading this anyway? :]

http://minhtycookies.tumblr.com/