Shame

Last Friday night...I cannot believe that I am now saying that with the shame of ten lifetimes.


I really thought I was having fun, but the truth is, I probably felt at lost with crowded people in a stuffy apartment and among the blasting of the background music. People drink there and dance here. If not throwing and aiming, then you can bounce balls in the red solo cup (By the way, I detest that song). I kept taking shots and spilling shots and chasers all over the floor. By that time, I knew I was drunk out of my mind. The dizziness felt as though the ground and ceiling were closing in and tipping to the side. If not for alcohol, this instability can only result in spinning around for way too many times. I went upstairs to get some rest, and really everything was a blur after that. I do remember vomiting nonstop but I didn't feel a bit disgusted by it. My body just wanted to get all of these burdens out. People really did not call it being intoxicated for no reasons. Worst of all, I showed so much vulnerability and embarrassment that I would usually be very self-conscious with. I am now just really glad that it can buried with the excuse of being drunk and not remembering it afterwards.

Being drunk is one thing and the aftermath of a hangover the next day is another long story. At least for me, it was the feeling of getting hair yanked out in the back of my head. I couldn't focus and all I wanted to fall asleep in a dire attempt. After getting some sleep, my head just kept pounding. And pounding. Although it was already nine at night, nearly 24 hours since I last picked up a Pixie cup.

The last paragraph is usually a conclusion so I conclude this with the encompassing theme of this article: NEVER AGAIN.

The Right Way

Be flirtatious. Not desperate.

Give him looks. Nothing more. 

Never ask. Be asked.

It's a game where girls decide whether the heart will be won. 

Patience is best.

Privacy

Since college started, I've always felt an excitement that I was able to keep secrets from my family. To have  a distance and a privacy that I thought I couldn't have before. Our family has always been close but in my mind, I needed this space to myself as I spread my wings. There are good and bad things in this mindset. It was fun. But for most of the time, I was lonely. No matter how much I try to open up to people, there are always some fabrication as I tell them my story and see their eyes, I simply cannot expose the whole truth. But for the sakes of my morals, I cannot do it anymore. It's wrong to lie and it's a burden to carry. I strive to be different this year. I promise to hold an integrity to my family and my friends. I'll start telling my friends enough to understand me and for me to keep my private life private. However, with my family, I should start telling them more things about myself because that's how I know I have matured and am capable of making wise decisions. Plus, it feels so childish to have to hide and cover up my actions. I need the confidence to display to the people I love who I really am in order for them to trust me and to support me when I need them most. My family has shown me so much trust by disclosing the most private and secretive things to me that it is only fair that I do the same thing. Lastly, the truth is simple. It's not complicated and troublesome as the chain of lies one can tell. White lies, guilty lies, and entertaining lies. Perhaps I had told them all. And that's not an accomplishment I'm proud of.

Gia đình

Hôm nay Ba Mẹ về Mỹ và mình cùng anh hai đi đón ở sân bay San Francisco. Qua hai ngày nay mình cùng giành nhiều thời gian và nối lại quan hệ thân thiết với nhau. Giờ cả nhà ₫ược hoàn tụ như xưa. 

Hôm nay mình rất hạnh phúc. 

It's early

I am awake at 5AM right now, and no I didn't wake up early. It was nice to meet you lemonade flavored energy drink.

New project...

Daydream and Expectation

I already don't know the person well enough. Why am I imagining things about how they would be, which would prevent me from truly knowing them later? Besides, the best things are the things kept to surprise. There are coincidences existed between two people, because love is driven by fate. It's weird to say it but a deep human connection is magical like that. Two strangers can become one. That's what I always have faith in and this thought can always excite me for tomorrow.

And it begins

So I've been talking a lot about paying more attention to get to know myself better and improve myself. This will be the first step and I hope it will be a giant leap for me. First off, I want to start with my fitness. Lately in this term, I was hitting the gym a lot more than the last, mainly to destress and now the routine is definitely growing onto me, which is terrific. I'm doing this for health and strength reason. I want to push my endurance and rev up my speed. You know, "run like the wind". I had a big self conscious issue before and if I was the weight then that I am today, I think I'd probably kill myself of depression. Yes, it's true. And official. I had now gained the freshman fifteen. It is s a bit sad since I lost so much weight in the beginning of the school year and now I'm all the way up to 115 pounds. No wonder my stomach always feels full and bloated. I am definitely not used to this weight so it's not surprising that I've been so motivated to run days before I knew I hit such a number. In my mind, this is obesity. And there are many reasons and ways that I've taken to get this far. It's the mindless eating. Treating my temptation because I was strained by life. Showing off my ability to eat a lot despite being small. Drinking late. Very late. Having too much fun that it reflects in my belly. I definitely feel stronger though with all this extra calories. But it's time to burn it off. There are no goals.  I just want to record my day to day activities to keep myself on track and aware of what I'm doing. For example, despite trying to save and being full from brown rice, I bought myself a swirl mocha cake that I can't even finish. I just ate for the emotion that the taste of the food stimulates. Nothing more. But I don't live to eat, I eat to live. I can't let my emotions take over my actions and food defines how I feel. I'm stronger than this, more disciplined than this. This could be worse but since I'm already here, I might as well forgive myself and take a step back slowly so I can renew myself for the better and for a long term. Really no need to be sad. This just gives me the opportunity to prove to myself that I am set up for success for the goals that I truly aspire. That is all.


 First healthy habit number 1, sleeping early. Like at 1AM.

Aware

My mind's been off somewhere lately. I'm forgetting things, floating in my own world, and ignoring the uncertainty and danger around me. Yeah I really need to focus on myself right now, starting with being aware of my actions and my surroundings. I can't be too confident that bad things don't happen by the cause of others or my own stupidity. But at the same time, I shouldn't judge myself too harshly and strain myself. Let loose but be smart. Find a good balance in feeling comfortable with myself and where I am and being cautious. I have to look out for myself now that I am on my own. I am sure the mistakes I make are meant for learning but that is if I actually learned and change what is flawed.

The basic ways I can improve myself are through my focus in school and my fitness. But beyond that, I need to fix my attitude towards my family and keep a wise distance from the groups of friends and acquaintances that I drifted through day by day. After all, these people don't know what's best for me and are certainly not looking out for the best of me like my family does. Furthermore, I need to continue to uphold my responsibilities and stay on top of everything that is important for me. Now in saying all these goals, I must seem like a very uptight person, and the fact is I am. But I think it's only by my nature to find discipline in the things that matter to me. Otherwise, I am usually quite spontaneous and opened up for the excitement that life brings.

Ok. Back to studying for this calculus midterm tomorrow. I haven't actually started studying yet and it's already twenty until eleven. For some reasons, I am not stressed at all. But then again, it might be the overconfidence in me that is hindering my potential success. With that said, till another day.

Internalizing

A good friend told me that I need to invest in learning about myself more before looking for someone to be with. Good friends come with good advice.

But with human nature to look for love, I don't think it's possible for me to completely ignore the potentials around me. Teehee :P

Mixed feelings

He's with someone. I guess a part of me should feel happy that I'm freed from all these thoughts that distressed me before. But it's a bit sad. I was gathering the courage to pursue something for once. And it's called off by a moment of realization.

Actually, change this mixed feelings to the decline towards sadness. I'm disappointed in my luck. And right before Valentine's day and right after I start getting in touch with my romantic feelings that I never had for such a long time. Everything blows over just so quickly. I wish I can click unfriend and erase any interaction I had. And it's no one's fault except for mine because I let my feelings acclimate quickly because it was a good feeling to like someone. Why is this so hard? I thought this is supposed to be easy in college. I really thought I would have someone next to me right now. I don't want to wish anything bad coming upon them though I know a little voice is assuring me that what they have is long distance. Isn't that horrible? If it just comes down to me wanting to be with him, then I'm not mature enough to be with anyone. I wouldn't want unhappiness on the person I like just so it can give me what I want. And how long do I know the person? Barely a week if you add up all the times we've been together. It's not worth it to be sad. It's just this disappointment. It'll go away in a few days. As for now, I should just start studying. Or something.

No exciting days

I should just start burying myself under the books and strutting through a packed schedule to keep my mind off this distracting thing. And yet, here I am writing about it. I don't want to make my blog a space of obsession, but at the same time, I should be able to do whatever I want right? Shit. Midterms are coming up. I shouldn't be distracted. As sad as this sounds, but at least I go to class now because he goes to class. This is indeed very sad. I should start doing my math homework by now. I have 40 minutes to finish it before going to chem lecture. I'll probably be back later. I rather have my thoughts transferred in concrete words than floating endlessly in my head. This is a way to keep my mind on sanity.

Waiting

I can't use the word love in terms of romance. I forbid myself to use a word that I myself can only hypothesize on. It's true. I've never had a relationship. It has always been one-sided with each moment I've had an interaction with the person. The excitement I felt when we talked is questionably non mutual. And I guess I'll never know. But really, it didn't and still doesn't matter whether the person's real feelings towards me. I was really young. In age and at heart. And I still am, irregardless the years. I think it's good that I was single and happy all this time as others run after love, I run after a goal for myself and my family. It was purposeful and I'm proud of what I accomplished. But now that I am on my own in college, interacting with more people and seeing what others have to share, I feel empty. I have no stories to tell but the blatant lies to save face. There were no pursuits, neither from the other nor from me. Well, yes there were but none I have any interest in. Lately it's been that guy that I keep thinking about, and now it makes me question whether this interest stems from the genuine feelings towards him as a person or a curiosity for romantic affection. I think I like the idea of it and that's definitely not good enough of a reason to start a relationship, but who doesn't like the idea of love? But if I want to pursue this experience, how much effort do I put in and how do I know if I even have....a chance? And that's the question that bothers me. It makes my self-esteem go down the drain because now I'm wondering if I'm good enough for a guy that might as well be a stranger. This is why I hate initial attraction. It keeps you wonder all the times and though at times it feels so bubbly and cute, it subsequently makes me question so much whether I'm pretty enough, interesting enough, or simply just enough. I was fine on my own. Really. But what to do? I can't control my heart, even when there's such risk to my self vulnerability and focus in other goals. I think I should take this slowly. One step. At a time.

Ever since Middle School

Throughout high school, I was essentially a monk. Though I do have moments of physical attraction, I had never felt so strongly about a person before. It's hard to explain why you like a certain person but once you know that there is something there, you can't stop thinking about it--it's a lingering thought that warps your mind. My heart jumps when I see his name. And I can't stop but smile when I'm in his presence. When I see other couples that I thought weren't compatible before, I nodded in approval when I think of the happiness they all felt in each other's presence and that's why they're together. To be frank, I thought all these sickeningly romantic words and gestures will make me tired of it and forget about it all soon, but the more I think about him, the more I like him. And today just shot me up through nine clouds. We both walked out together after a study session and I don't know how but our bikes were parked nearly next to each other, as though it was a fateful moment in the movie. I really felt like it was a scripted scene because though I always wished something like that will happen, my mind is too set on the boring reality than the exciting coincidence that only derives in fiction. But there I was, walking side by side with him to our bikes and biking side by side to the same destination. The best part? I was completely normal. We conversed and he was kind and I was happy. All the excitement did not hit me until I looked back and replayed it all again in my head. I just...can't believe it. My day is made.