And it begins

So I've been talking a lot about paying more attention to get to know myself better and improve myself. This will be the first step and I hope it will be a giant leap for me. First off, I want to start with my fitness. Lately in this term, I was hitting the gym a lot more than the last, mainly to destress and now the routine is definitely growing onto me, which is terrific. I'm doing this for health and strength reason. I want to push my endurance and rev up my speed. You know, "run like the wind". I had a big self conscious issue before and if I was the weight then that I am today, I think I'd probably kill myself of depression. Yes, it's true. And official. I had now gained the freshman fifteen. It is s a bit sad since I lost so much weight in the beginning of the school year and now I'm all the way up to 115 pounds. No wonder my stomach always feels full and bloated. I am definitely not used to this weight so it's not surprising that I've been so motivated to run days before I knew I hit such a number. In my mind, this is obesity. And there are many reasons and ways that I've taken to get this far. It's the mindless eating. Treating my temptation because I was strained by life. Showing off my ability to eat a lot despite being small. Drinking late. Very late. Having too much fun that it reflects in my belly. I definitely feel stronger though with all this extra calories. But it's time to burn it off. There are no goals.  I just want to record my day to day activities to keep myself on track and aware of what I'm doing. For example, despite trying to save and being full from brown rice, I bought myself a swirl mocha cake that I can't even finish. I just ate for the emotion that the taste of the food stimulates. Nothing more. But I don't live to eat, I eat to live. I can't let my emotions take over my actions and food defines how I feel. I'm stronger than this, more disciplined than this. This could be worse but since I'm already here, I might as well forgive myself and take a step back slowly so I can renew myself for the better and for a long term. Really no need to be sad. This just gives me the opportunity to prove to myself that I am set up for success for the goals that I truly aspire. That is all.


 First healthy habit number 1, sleeping early. Like at 1AM.