talking

I really thought college was drama free. Everyone is mature enough to handle their shit and straighten things out in a direct and respectable way. But ever since I joined this fraternity, I've been hearing scrutinizing and gossiping and immature judgment of others that I am thoroughly disappointed. People keep hearing bits and pieces of information and before you know it, they act like they really know what's going on and spread inaccuracies around like a fucking tumor. My goal in life is to maintain harmony within myself and others, but it's hard to do so in an environment where adults don't act like adults and I don't want to have to treat them like children. I was enthusiastic before but I think I am going to slowly remove myself now, but of course, right after I explain my case to people I need to explain to. Basically, I will just have less interaction and show a more mature and composed side of me that people would take me more seriously. Sometimes I feel like a joke that people can just assume anything from me, especially how some think that I'm using my "cuteness" to take advantage of them through little favors. In the very least, I have my good group of friends and I really shouldn't care for those who wouldn't give me a second chance. I decided that it's best to just clarify some things but I don't have to please anyone that I don't need to please. That's my rant for the morning.

Mind Wars

In this modern society, our source of entertainment has become a unique (and addicting) specimen. And yes, I am talking about the world of Internet. For nearly four years in high school, I've been out of the loop. I deactivated Facebook and I never made a Tumblr or Reddit or 4chan account. It just seems unnecessary. And it still is. However, with college and expanded social network, I was coerced to make in order to stay in contact with friends and establish new ones. Now, everyday I would be literally chained to Facebook to check up news prevalent to my social circle (or simply stalking for the sakes of curiosity) or communicate with others regarding gossip and academic matters. I would be lying if I say Facebook is anyway an efficient or beneficial use of time. In fact, it has become so damaging that I have to struggle to get my mind off this cyber world in order to get productivity going. I haven't done well in school as I want to because there's always a distraction to my concentration. There are consistently moments where I know I'm numbingly scrolling down the page, and yet I still continue. My mind felt fogged by the miscellaneous information that came to me so quickly and so much that my thinking becomes shortsighted. I feel like my active thinking and reasoning are replaced by the useless processing of what was on my newsfeed that day. And now that I have Tumblr, my mind is even more cluttered by the visual appeal of the reblogs and the interest in gaining followers and showcasing interesting posts. Though I know that there are some good use in the blog, such as how I can learn new information that is constantly and massively produced in this modern world, I've been doing it for the wrong reasons. I need a break from all of the notifications, from all the messaging, and reblogging. Which is why I wrote this much down right now. It makes me feel human again when I can actively use my brain to produce something rather than letting others do the job and hunting their ideas down for reblogs. Tonight, I'm forcing my mind to be analytical about myself and the world. This reminds me think of the theme in Mishima Yukio's work about the samurai disdain for the idleness of peaceful time. I've been used to this luxury, this fascinating and exhilarating luxury that is the Internet, that I've been forgetting what I can be capable of.

I need concrete goals. From now on, two hours of Facebook and Tumblr max a day. And I need to keep track and stay disciplined. Instead of taking a "short break" online, I should start reading the variety of books offered at the library that is nearly a 15 minutes walk from my dorm. I can be learning more and become so much more sophisticated and cultured through two hundred pages than scrolling down a million posts and status updates.

I caved

I made a tumblr. I've been distracted because of it too. For some reasons, blogspot just doesn't suck you in but at least I can be more private on here. Not a lot of people have seen this page and I think I disclosed myself more on here. I practice writing articles, I pour out my most freed thoughts because I got no one to judge but myself. As for tumblr, I guess it's just an outlet for my visual satisfaction and a way to introduce myself to those who don't know me before. Follow me. Or not. Whatever. Who's reading this anyway? :]

http://minhtycookies.tumblr.com/

Shame

Last Friday night...I cannot believe that I am now saying that with the shame of ten lifetimes.


I really thought I was having fun, but the truth is, I probably felt at lost with crowded people in a stuffy apartment and among the blasting of the background music. People drink there and dance here. If not throwing and aiming, then you can bounce balls in the red solo cup (By the way, I detest that song). I kept taking shots and spilling shots and chasers all over the floor. By that time, I knew I was drunk out of my mind. The dizziness felt as though the ground and ceiling were closing in and tipping to the side. If not for alcohol, this instability can only result in spinning around for way too many times. I went upstairs to get some rest, and really everything was a blur after that. I do remember vomiting nonstop but I didn't feel a bit disgusted by it. My body just wanted to get all of these burdens out. People really did not call it being intoxicated for no reasons. Worst of all, I showed so much vulnerability and embarrassment that I would usually be very self-conscious with. I am now just really glad that it can buried with the excuse of being drunk and not remembering it afterwards.

Being drunk is one thing and the aftermath of a hangover the next day is another long story. At least for me, it was the feeling of getting hair yanked out in the back of my head. I couldn't focus and all I wanted to fall asleep in a dire attempt. After getting some sleep, my head just kept pounding. And pounding. Although it was already nine at night, nearly 24 hours since I last picked up a Pixie cup.

The last paragraph is usually a conclusion so I conclude this with the encompassing theme of this article: NEVER AGAIN.

The Right Way

Be flirtatious. Not desperate.

Give him looks. Nothing more. 

Never ask. Be asked.

It's a game where girls decide whether the heart will be won. 

Patience is best.

Privacy

Since college started, I've always felt an excitement that I was able to keep secrets from my family. To have  a distance and a privacy that I thought I couldn't have before. Our family has always been close but in my mind, I needed this space to myself as I spread my wings. There are good and bad things in this mindset. It was fun. But for most of the time, I was lonely. No matter how much I try to open up to people, there are always some fabrication as I tell them my story and see their eyes, I simply cannot expose the whole truth. But for the sakes of my morals, I cannot do it anymore. It's wrong to lie and it's a burden to carry. I strive to be different this year. I promise to hold an integrity to my family and my friends. I'll start telling my friends enough to understand me and for me to keep my private life private. However, with my family, I should start telling them more things about myself because that's how I know I have matured and am capable of making wise decisions. Plus, it feels so childish to have to hide and cover up my actions. I need the confidence to display to the people I love who I really am in order for them to trust me and to support me when I need them most. My family has shown me so much trust by disclosing the most private and secretive things to me that it is only fair that I do the same thing. Lastly, the truth is simple. It's not complicated and troublesome as the chain of lies one can tell. White lies, guilty lies, and entertaining lies. Perhaps I had told them all. And that's not an accomplishment I'm proud of.

Gia đình

Hôm nay Ba Mẹ về Mỹ và mình cùng anh hai đi đón ở sân bay San Francisco. Qua hai ngày nay mình cùng giành nhiều thời gian và nối lại quan hệ thân thiết với nhau. Giờ cả nhà ₫ược hoàn tụ như xưa. 

Hôm nay mình rất hạnh phúc.