my loss my guide

Monday, February 13, 2012

Mixed feelings

He's with someone. I guess a part of me should feel happy that I'm freed from all these thoughts that distressed me before. But it's a bit sad. I was gathering the courage to pursue something for once. And it's called off by a moment of realization.

Actually, change this mixed feelings to the decline towards sadness. I'm disappointed in my luck. And right before Valentine's day and right after I start getting in touch with my romantic feelings that I never had for such a long time. Everything blows over just so quickly. I wish I can click unfriend and erase any interaction I had. And it's no one's fault except for mine because I let my feelings acclimate quickly because it was a good feeling to like someone. Why is this so hard? I thought this is supposed to be easy in college. I really thought I would have someone next to me right now. I don't want to wish anything bad coming upon them though I know a little voice is assuring me that what they have is long distance. Isn't that horrible? If it just comes down to me wanting to be with him, then I'm not mature enough to be with anyone. I wouldn't want unhappiness on the person I like just so it can give me what I want. And how long do I know the person? Barely a week if you add up all the times we've been together. It's not worth it to be sad. It's just this disappointment. It'll go away in a few days. As for now, I should just start studying. Or something.

No exciting days

I should just start burying myself under the books and strutting through a packed schedule to keep my mind off this distracting thing. And yet, here I am writing about it. I don't want to make my blog a space of obsession, but at the same time, I should be able to do whatever I want right? Shit. Midterms are coming up. I shouldn't be distracted. As sad as this sounds, but at least I go to class now because he goes to class. This is indeed very sad. I should start doing my math homework by now. I have 40 minutes to finish it before going to chem lecture. I'll probably be back later. I rather have my thoughts transferred in concrete words than floating endlessly in my head. This is a way to keep my mind on sanity.

Waiting

I can't use the word love in terms of romance. I forbid myself to use a word that I myself can only hypothesize on. It's true. I've never had a relationship. It has always been one-sided with each moment I've had an interaction with the person. The excitement I felt when we talked is questionably non mutual. And I guess I'll never know. But really, it didn't and still doesn't matter whether the person's real feelings towards me. I was really young. In age and at heart. And I still am, irregardless the years. I think it's good that I was single and happy all this time as others run after love, I run after a goal for myself and my family. It was purposeful and I'm proud of what I accomplished. But now that I am on my own in college, interacting with more people and seeing what others have to share, I feel empty. I have no stories to tell but the blatant lies to save face. There were no pursuits, neither from the other nor from me. Well, yes there were but none I have any interest in. Lately it's been that guy that I keep thinking about, and now it makes me question whether this interest stems from the genuine feelings towards him as a person or a curiosity for romantic affection. I think I like the idea of it and that's definitely not good enough of a reason to start a relationship, but who doesn't like the idea of love? But if I want to pursue this experience, how much effort do I put in and how do I know if I even have....a chance? And that's the question that bothers me. It makes my self-esteem go down the drain because now I'm wondering if I'm good enough for a guy that might as well be a stranger. This is why I hate initial attraction. It keeps you wonder all the times and though at times it feels so bubbly and cute, it subsequently makes me question so much whether I'm pretty enough, interesting enough, or simply just enough. I was fine on my own. Really. But what to do? I can't control my heart, even when there's such risk to my self vulnerability and focus in other goals. I think I should take this slowly. One step. At a time.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Ever since Middle School

Throughout high school, I was essentially a monk. Though I do have moments of physical attraction, I had never felt so strongly about a person before. It's hard to explain why you like a certain person but once you know that there is something there, you can't stop thinking about it--it's a lingering thought that warps your mind. My heart jumps when I see his name. And I can't stop but smile when I'm in his presence. When I see other couples that I thought weren't compatible before, I nodded in approval when I think of the happiness they all felt in each other's presence and that's why they're together. To be frank, I thought all these sickeningly romantic words and gestures will make me tired of it and forget about it all soon, but the more I think about him, the more I like him. And today just shot me up through nine clouds. We both walked out together after a study session and I don't know how but our bikes were parked nearly next to each other, as though it was a fateful moment in the movie. I really felt like it was a scripted scene because though I always wished something like that will happen, my mind is too set on the boring reality than the exciting coincidence that only derives in fiction. But there I was, walking side by side with him to our bikes and biking side by side to the same destination. The best part? I was completely normal. We conversed and he was kind and I was happy. All the excitement did not hit me until I looked back and replayed it all again in my head. I just...can't believe it. My day is made.